POINT

By Andy Fleming

Hey, look over there!

..Confused? Of course you are. Because life is completely meaningless and confusing without points. Let’s try that again.

Hey, look over there! (points behind you)

See how you knew to look behind you that time? It was because of my point. Which brings me to my point: Robert Callahan is a sissy. A lying, thieving, whoring sissy with nothing on his awful, pornographic brain but dissension. Counterpoint? He would.

When not coiffing his admittedly beautiful hair, the only thing this spiteful sprite spews is hate, anger, and argumentation. Whenever I sport an opinion, this callous cog of contrariness has to argue with it. If I say (as I am wont to do), “I like fine art.” Robert says, “I’d rather go to a museum of fine fart.” If I say, “I think gay people should have equal rights,” Robert counters with, “I think gay people should only have 3/5 of a vote. (Even though I myself secretly enjoy the company of men.)” Once, Robert went on record as saying, “I think Marisa Tomei completely deserved the Oscar for My Cousin Vinny.” Granted, this was not an argument to anything I had said, but still.. isn’t it stupid?

Why do we need all this fighting? I say let me express a point, then you can express a point as well. Why “point/counterpoint”? Why not “my point/your point”? The world would be a better, more harmonic place without counterpoints, and without Robert Callahan.

Oh, and one more point: seriously, look behind you.

There was nothing there, was there? Just goes to show you: sometimes points can be deceiving.

“What’s your point?” you ask. “Exactly,” I say, walking off into the darkness.

COUNTERPOINT

By Robert Callahan

Ahh the counterpoint! Some people, my esteemed opponent included, might see it as the proverbial albatross around the neck of a point. The Patricia Heaton to a point’s Ray Romano, that kid in class who insisted on correcting the teacher when he spelled something wrong…you know, an a–hole.

I’m sorry, what point was I making? Oh right, counterpoints are important. There is something to be said for unabated progress; sometimes it ends with a man planting a flag on the surface of the moon. On the other hand, sometimes things are allowed to happen unchecked, and before anyone knows it Martin Lawrence is suiting up for a staggering third Big Momma’s House movie (in theaters in 2012!). New discoveries can’t be made, ideas can’t be formed without a good solid point. But it is important, nigh imperative to have a counterpoint sit that point down and say, “Are you aware of how stupid this is?”

Take Andy Fleming for example. The man grew a Hulk Hogan moustache because no one had the nerve to slap some sense into him until it was far too late. For an entire month, he ate nothing but raw cabbage because he heard that it would make his tiny, tiny man parts larger. He actually changed his name to Andy Fleming so that people would think that he was the child in a years-old local furniture commercial.

Where am I going with all this, you might ask yourself. What I’m getting at, the “counterpoint” I’m trying to make, is that Andy is a dangerous and depraved lunatic whose personally damaging and spectacle inspiring personal endeavors must be constantly monitored and kept in check so that they never harm the unsuspecting populace. Like all headstrong individuals, he needs a sniveling, backbiting nitpicker to review his ideas, and tell him when they are dangerous or idiotic.

Once again, the counterpoint triumphs.

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