ARIES: Beauty is only skin deep. But that knife wound you’ll get this week goes to the bone.
TAURUS: A rare gift awaits you this week. The gift of scabies.
GEMINI: Saturn is in retrograde in your star sign this week, which, of course, means it’s runny sore time for you.
CANCER: You will receive a message from your ancestors this week, which you probably won’t read, as it has postage due.
LEO: A voyage of discovery awaits you this week, as you are shanghaied by a rowdy gang of Asian pirates/marine biologists.
VIRGO: Life imitates art for you this week. Oddly it’s imitating Art Carney from the Star Wars Christmas special, and soon your best friend will be a Wookie.
LIBRA: Set your goals high this week, as you might as well fail big.
SCORPIO: Do not wager your soul for a golden fiddle, as you are not as good a fiddler as Johnny, and the devil has been a-practicing.
SAGITTARIUS: You know who’s ever seen a centaur? No one, that’s who.
CAPRICORN: You gain fame this week when a famous delicatessen names a sandwich after you. You gain even more fame when every person who eats that sandwich gets swarms of intestinal parasites.
AQUARIUS: You will prove to be the glue that holds your social circle together when your friends murder you and grind your bones into paste on Tuesday.
PISCES: It’s 2009. No one cares about your Rubik’s Cube skills anymore.
ARIES: You will experience a once in a lifetime event this week. Of course, death only does happen once, right?
TAURUS: Despite your greatest efforts, they are not going to make a Rock Band game based on your crappy jam band.
GEMINI: Love will play a part in your week, as people do in fact love beating you with sticks.
CANCER: The future is yours to command. As long as you command it to be extremely woeful.
LEO: A penny saved is a penny earned, but, really, so what. It’s a penny.
VIRGO: Knowledge awaits you! As does gibbering madness when you accidentally read that copy of the Necronomicon lying around.
LIBRA: You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Also rabid bugbears.
SCORPIO: Fill your days with laughter and song, for your nights will be filled with horrifying loneliness punctuated by bouts of knifings.
SAGITTARIUS: Don’t get us wrong. We enjoy a good mythological story as much as anyone. But, come on, a Centaur? That’s just ridiculous.
CAPRICORN: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Unless you are, in fact, a judge. In which case, carry on.
AQUARIUS: Turns out those are not 99 luft balloons. They are enormous hornets. So, you’ve got that to deal with.
PISCES: The good news: Your life story is being made into a film this week! The bad news? Nicolas Cage is attached.
ARIES: Labor day will have a special meaning for you this week as you give birth to 14 children. This applies to Aries dudes as well, somehow.
TAURUS: You will remember the true meaning of this week’s holiday as you are beat senseless by a pack of Pinkerton goons.
GEMINI: The stars say don’t bug them Wednesday, as they will be playing Beatles Rock Band and do not want to be disturbed.
CANCER: The stars also don’t want you bugging them Thursday or Sunday, as real football is back and they will be watching.
LEO: They say that they can take anything from you except your pride and dignity. Friday will prove them wrong.
VIRGO: Hope you like blood!
LIBRA: Winds of change will blow through your life this week. By which we mean a freak cyclone.
SCORPIO: The stars note it is ironic that you constantly say “What am I, chopped liver?” when this Wednesday, you liver will, in fact, be chopped.
SAGITTARIUS: Seriously, you’re a centaur. You aren’t even real. Scorpions are real. Water bearers are real (if outdated). There’s twins, goats, crabs, scales, lions, fish, etc. All real. What’s your problem?
CAPRICORN: If you live in a glass house, don’t throw rocks. But, really, should you be throwing rocks in your house regardless of whether or not the walls are glass. Who is doing this?
AQUARIUS: Thanks to you, that Men at Work reunion is OFF. Good job.
PISCES: Love magick is strong in your star sign this week. If you think the clap is magical, at least.
ARIES: It is easier for a camel to walk through an eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into Heaven, which will likely be true this week when a rich man on a camel stabs you in the eye with a needle.
TAURUS: Beware of strangers bearing gifts, but be even more afraid of close loved ones bearing arms that will be pointed at you Thursday.
GEMINI: The stars believe that this is the year to be a fan of the Detroit Lions. Also scabies.
CANCER: Romance is strong in your sign this week. Unfortunately it is super-villain Deadly Romance, who will kill you in a diabolical, yet oddly tender manner Friday.
LEO: It will be a mixed bag of this week when you meet your long time idol, Leonard Nimoy. There’s the thrill of meeting him, but the sadness you experience when he eviscerates you for a perceived slight.
VIRGO: The only limits you face are those of your imagination. Also your complete lack of any discernible talent or skill.
LIBRA: You wouldn’t think they would have many deadly buffalo stampedes in modern day cities. At least you’ll think that until Wednesday.
SCORPIO: Remember that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. This may not be too helpful this week as you are consistently stabbed in the brains by a pack of hobgoblins.
SAGITTARIUS: You do realize you are a centaur, right? What’s up with that?
CAPRICORN: While it may be tempting, do not play chess with death this week. That guy cheats.
AQUARIUS: You will question the rationality of the phrase “Happy as a clam” this week after you are horrifically turned into a chowder.
PISCES: Dreams of time travel come true for you this week when a well known cable station runs a “Back to the Future” marathon.
ARIES: You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might just find you get what you need. Except for oxygen on Wednesday.
TAURUS: Be a beacon of hope to others this week, or at least serve as a hideous warning of what can happen when you do things horribly wrong.
GEMINI: If you are in a Fantasy Football draft with the stars this week, they advise you not to draft Adrian Peterson.
CANCER: Money signs are strong for you this week, as debt collectors begin to place large signs declaring your debt on all your goods an hour or so before taking them all away.
LEO: In a bizarre series of bureaucratic mishaps, all persons born under this sign will actually be renamed “Leo” beginning Thursday.
VIRGO: Your dreams may come true this week, especially if you are actually Great Cthulhu.
LIBRA: Love magick is strong for you this week. That or Rohypnol.
SCORPIO:You must make a difficult decision this week, as the market you shop at has TWO types of crunchy peanut butter.
SAGITTARIUS: Your future is vague, but the stars keep seeing the word “disemboweled” in this week’s events for you.
CAPRICORN: No one will accept your “dollars to donuts” bet this week, as in many places donuts actually cost more than a dollar.
AQUARIUS: You will be the envy of many people this week, particularly people who have always hoped they would be brutally murdered by Ernest Borgnine.
PISCES: Your future is bright this week, as you will be killed in a freak tanning bed mishap.
