ARIES: You will be judged based on how you treat others. Except for the Belgians. Say whatever you want to those people.
TAURUS: He who lives in glass houses should not cast stones. And, in your case, should also invest in curtains, as no one wants to see you naked. Seriously.
GEMINI: Adventure awaits this week. The adventure of rickets!
CANCER: Romance is in the air this week, as you will be stricken by an airborne case of Herpes.
LEO:Eerie similarities emerge this week between your life and the second Hostel film.
VIRGO: Beware of dagger wielding madmen who proclaim they want to murder you. A fairly obvious bit of advice, when you think about it.
LIBRA: Long lost acquaintances enter your life this week as your entire high school class is finally arrested for that horrible, unspeakable thing you all did.
SCORPIO:This week you will learn who your true friends are. You will also learn they do not exist.
SAGITTARIUS: Fire magick and Earth magick collide this week as you are killed by a very tiny volcano.
CAPRICORN: …and you thought that whole killer bee scare was over!
AQUARIUS: Do not depend on the kindness of strangers this week, unless you are a Tennessee Williams character, and even then you probably shouldn’t.
PISCES: Legal woes await you this week as you become embroiled in litigation with Phyllis Diller.
ARIES: Your deeds this week shall make you the subject of legend! Unfortunately, it will be the “Legend of the Person Who Drowned in Pudding”.
TAURUS: Face your fears this week, unless they are really scary. Then you should avoid them.
GEMINI: Actions you take today could impact you forever. However, choosing to rent “The Butterfly Effect” will likely only waste a couple of hours of your time.
CANCER: Saturn is on the rise this week, as you will be run over by a Saturn Vue.
LEO:It’s unclear why this is going to happen, but it appears that on Thursday you will be set upon by an angry gang of Hobbits.
VIRGO: Financial matters loom large in the stars this week as you gain and lose a fortune based on the volatile bee wax market.
LIBRA: A stitch in time may save nine. But, sadly, on Wednesday not you.
SCORPIO: You know that screenplay you are working on? It sucks.
SAGITTARIUS: Spiritual issues weigh heavily on you this week, as you will be crushed by a church.
CAPRICORN: Family concerns will fill this week, and your house, as your entire family moves in with you for no good reason.
AQUARIUS: You’ll probably have a sandwich Friday. Not all these things can be blockbusters.
PISCES: Your Aquarian friend will choke on a sandwich Friday, and he won’t even see it coming as his horoscope said nothing about choking.
ARIES: Great mysteries await you this week, as you find your old collection of Hardy Boys novels. Also, you will be mysteriously stabbed in the throat.
TAURUS: A gamble may yield interesting results this week, as you use use your lungs as collateral in a back room Texas Hold ‘em tournament.
GEMINI: You have inner strength beyond that which people realize. But that won’t help you remove the enormous boulder that will be pinning your legs down Thursday-Saturday.
CANCER: Popularity is not as important as most people think. So, that’s good for you.
LEO: Long term career goals will be met this week! Not by you, of course, but by someone.
VIRGO: Romantic energy fills your week as you will be electrocuted by a sign advertising a Lifetime movies marathon.
LIBRA: Do not hold on to ancient hatred. Admittedly, that will prove difficult Friday when your ancient nemesis drowns you in pudding.
SCORPIO: Don’t pay the ferryman. Don’t even fix a price until he gets you to the other side.
SAGITTARIUS: Creativity is strong in your star sign this week. So, it looks like you’ll be wrapping up that big paint-by-numbers project you’ve been working on since 1983.
CAPRICORN: Ever have one of those weeks where nothing goes right, and you are eaten by angry raccoons? After this week, you will be able to say “Yes”.
AQUARIUS: Celestial movements will impact you personally, as an incredibly tiny star lodges itself in your throat. Then it goes all supernova. It’ll be kind of messy.
PISCES: You will learn that they are making a movie about your life this week! Unfortunately, that movie is “Saw VI”.
ARIES: Wealth awaits you this week…a wealth of blows to the head with a mallet.
TAURUS: Beware of treachery from your closest associates this week, particularly if you are pirate.
GEMINI: Do not let fear keep you from experiencing life this week. Do, however, let it keep you from experiencing that trip to Murderfest Island you were planning.
CANCER: You will be confirmed as our next Supreme Court justice. If you’re nominated. I mean, obviously not all Cancers will be, as there are more than 9.
LEO: Romance is in the stars for you this week. Unfortunately romance is literally on Alpha Centauri, and you have no reliable means of getting there.
VIRGO: You will finally be recognized for your deeds this week, which explains why you will be served with an arrest warrant on Thursday.
LIBRA: An enemy will forgive you for your transgressions this week. After stabbing you, of course.
SCORPIO: Hard work will pave the road ahead, particularly if you work on an asphalt truck with a road crew. This one is just common sense, really.
SAGITTARIUS: Your greatest wish will come true this week. Not for you, but still.
CAPRICORN: Energy from your past life seeps into your modern life, as you are chased down and eaten by a Wooly Mammoth.
AQUARIUS: No one likes you.
PISCES: This week your heart will soar like an eagle, as you are abducted by a flock of eagles who repeatedly drop you from the sky in hopes of cracking open your skull to get at your brains. Did I mention they were zombie eagles?
ARIES: You will gain deserved acknowledgement this week when a street in your town is named after you. Unfortunately part of the street’s name includes the word “Memorial”.
TAURUS: Nothing worth having comes without a cost. So don’t be fooled by that coupon this week that says otherwise.
GEMINI: Do not be swayed by peer pressure this week. Your friends don’t know what they are talking about when they tell you you shouldn’t get hopped up on crank and scale a large building.
CANCER: Mars is ascendant into the sixth house this week. So, I guess that means free tacos for you!
LEO: Courage is doing what is right when all others want you to do what is wrong. Stupidity, on the other hand, is a more apt description for what you are going to do later this week.
VIRGO: Love awaits you this week! Unfortunately it is Bobby “Two Shivs” Love, who has been asked to collect a debt from you.
LIBRA: Thursday will be filled with revelations and knowledge as a horrendous injury leaves you bed-ridden and unable to change the TV from the Discovery channel.
SCORPIO: You will learn that while there may not be any such thing as absolute evil or good, there is such a thing as absolutely awful, awful pain.
SAGITTARIUS: Your declaration that you “ain’t afraid of no ghosts” will be put to the limit Thursday as you are haunted by the ghosts of Bill Murray and Harold Ramis. Wednesday’s Ghostbusters reunion doesn’t turn out so well, apparently.
CAPRICORN: Adventure awaits you this week. Assuming you consider sitting around on your couch to be adventurous.
AQUARIUS: Poets shall write poems about you this week, as part of a national haiku contest on “The Worst Person I know.”
PISCES: Who knew that so many llamas could fit in your house, and who knew that putting so many llamas in your house would send them into a murderous rage? We’ll all know by Friday.
