ARIES: They say good things come in small packages.  But they’ve never been butchered by leprechauns, which is something you won’t be able to say after this weekend.

TAURUS: It’s a good news/bad news week for you.  You will be attacked by wild dogs and also enormous spiders. We lied about the good news part.

GEMINI: Due to a series of odd events, you will soon be the subject of a particularly bawdy limerick.

CANCER: Congratulations. This week you will be named CEO of General Motors. Next week doesn’t look so good.

LEO: You know that musical you are writing on the life of Fatty Arbuckle? Knock it off.

VIRGO: For the last time, you need to stop trying to explain irony to Alanis Morissette.

LIBRA: You will learn once and for all that a waffle iron is not a good way to treat your acne.

SCORPIO: You should not play chess with death, but you can play parcheesi with sloth.

SAGITTARIUS: The moon is in the fourth house. Stupid moon, get back in the sky where you belong!

CAPRICORN: Your destiny will reveal itself this week where you least expect it. On a chain gang.

AQUARIUS: Those who hesitate are lost, particularly if you are playing with an old Simon game.

PISCES: Romance is in the air this week. Sadly you are a fish, and the air would kill you.